i wish starbucks made bloody marys
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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