she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
please don't ironically join a cult
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