i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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