the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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