Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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