So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm just crazy horny about you
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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