she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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