Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
