Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
