There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
false alarm, still single
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
