I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
