Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
