I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
