Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
