Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
