I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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