Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
