I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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