Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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