Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Randomize
