I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
