did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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