Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
