I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
