I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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