sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
