Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize