Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Bring me that man meat
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
