So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
