my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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