And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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