I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
