yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
