Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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