my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
