I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
