Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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