piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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