Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
