I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
