Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
