I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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