I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
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All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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