Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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