so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
