I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize