someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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