Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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