Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
