went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
