Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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