I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
