Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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