we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
