Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
