I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
