Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
