I love black thongs
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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